Don’t worry about being considered an assh*le. Sometimes, it’s better to be honest than to be liked.
A lot of people use brutal honesty as an excuse to be careless. They unload an opinion, make no effort to understand the other person, and then blame them for reacting badly. That isn’t courage, and you’re not doing either of you any favors.
Being honest is only as useful as your ability to communicate your perspective well. Saying “I’m just being honest” doesn’t give you permission to be a dick.
If you’re going to tell someone something they may not want to hear, do the work. Say it privately. Be specific. Explain what you saw, why you believe it matters, and what they could have done differently. Make sure your intention is to help them, not prove that you’re smarter or win the moment.
Recently, I gave someone feedback I knew they might not like. I thought carefully about how to communicate it. I explained exactly what I saw, gave them a different approach to consider, and made it clear that I was trying to help.
They never replied. That’s fine.
Once you’ve communicated honestly and with genuine care, their response is no longer yours to control. They might need time. They might disagree. They might tell you that you got it completely wrong.
Responding well doesn’t mean agreeing with you or thanking you. It means being willing to engage in good faith.
👉 And the real juice is this: The people who respond with an open mind and genuinely appreciate that you had the courage to tell them are the people I want in my circle.
Not people who agree with everything I say. People who have a genuine interest in learning and growing. People who can hear something uncomfortable, think about it, absorb it, decide whether there’s something useful inside it, and respond without letting their ego take over.
If someone consistently shuts down, punishes honesty, or protects their ego at all costs, that tells you something too. You don’t need to force that relationship.
Stay true to yourself, but work hard to communicate well. Don’t make it feel like an attack. Be specific about what you saw, how it made you feel, and what they might do differently next time. Most importantly, ask how they feel about it.
Your goal is to build a meaningful relationship and help someone through honesty, not use honesty as an excuse to hurt someone and burn a bridge.